FFVII Who's Line Is It?
by AkaiKamiRyu
Summary: Imagine Cloud, Cid, and the rest of the cast doing improv!
1. First show

Whose Line is it, Anyway? FFVII Style

Co-writen with ChaosDynasty

Disclaimer: We do not own the characters of Final Fantasy 7 if we did then this would be either another game or an animated short. Also we wouldn't be wasting our time writing this cause we be rich and be able to pay people to do it for us. Sonux is the only original one here.

First Show

Sonux: Yo People Wazzup! This Whose Line with the cast of Final Fantasy 7.

Looks smart but not, Cloud Strife. Looks cute, but is whiney with cheese, Yuffie Kisaragi. Looks like a girl but is the ruler of the world (Yuffie: NOT!) Seffie-chan, err Sephiroth. Looks like Cid, talks like Cid, and smells like Cid, because it is, Cid Highwind. This is Sonux. Now let's have some fun, torturing our friends now shall we?

(Sonux then walks out of the audience and sits behind a small desk on the side of the stage.)

Sonux: Yo this is Whose Line. If you've been living in a cave and have no clue how this show works... YOU'LL SEE! When these guys (& girl) make complete fools of themselves. Points to Cid. Some on a regular basis. Now for the first torture ahem game: "Let's make A Date"

Cloud: We get to make fruit?

Cid: No you idiot! Yuffie has to pick one of us for a date (shudders). Then guess who we are.

Cloud: (Wines) But I have Tiffa...

Sonux: It's a game Cloud. She's not gonna get jealous.

Cloud: (perks up) Oh! Ok.

(The three boys make their way to the stools where Yuffie is waiting. They read the cards sitting on the stools)

Cloud: (leans over to Cid) Hey Cid, what dose "Anorexic Psychopath" mean?

(Cid takes his card and whacks Cloud with it)

Cid: Idiot! Your not suppose to read it out loud.

(Sonux walk over to Cloud and trades cards)

Sonux: Here Cloud, DO this, not say it.

Cloud: Oh! Ok!

(Sonux sits back down and motions for Yuffie to start)

Sonux: Okay, Let's get this party started!

Yuffie: (Combing her hair) Oh, I'm on now? Okay. Bachelor #1

Sephiroth: Oh yes?

Yuffie: If we were to move somewhere, where would we go?

(Text at the bottom of the screen says "Hyper active 16 year old girl on a sugar high")

Sephiroth: Hmm...we could go to Costa del Sol, cause it's warm, orwecouldgotoGoldsaucertherearelotsofgamesandridesthere, oh I likegamesandridestheresomuchfun! (He starts bouncing around on the stool)

Yuffie: uhh... alright... umm Bachelor #2

Cid: Yea?

Yuffie: I like foreign foods. If you were to cook me dinner, what would you make?

(Text: Luigi of the Super Mario Bros.)

Cid: (With a very BAD fake accent) I lika som pizza, and soma spaghetti, with a spicya meatball. But, Ima way better than-a my shrimp of-a brotha. (He starts to groom an imaginary mouth stash)

Yuffie: Okay, you have issues. Um, Mr. #3.

Cloud: Who? Me?

Yuffie: Yes. I like animals, and my favorite is the dog. What's yours?

(Text: 8 year old who thinks Cid is a Chocobo)

Cloud: I like Yellow birdies! Ya know the really big ones (looks at Cid!) Like this one. (Jumps on Cid's back) Run birdie! Run!

(Cid throws Cloud off)

Cid: Just-a what-a you think you doin?

Cloud: You a bad bad birdie.

Yuffie: I like you. You've got spunk. Bachelor No. 1!

Sephiroth: Yeses?

Yuffie: I like sweets. What kind of dessert would you get me on a date?

Sephiroth: Ooh! I likechocolateandsuckersandChocolateandtaffyandlotsofrockcandy, anddidImentionChocolate? Mmmmm... chocolate...

Yuffie: You sound like fun. Now Number 2. (Cloud snickers) I have two sisters. Do you have any siblings?

Cid: Where you-a not listening? I have-a shrimpy egotistic brother. Ooo! Look-a at me! Ima da hero again. I save-a da princess. Patoo! Just-a once, I like-a to be the hero. And-a not my red-a pant brotha.

Yuffie: Right, you still have issues. Bachelor No. 3

Cloud: Yes pretty lady.

Yuffie: (blushes) Um... I like to play lots of games. What are your favorite ones?

Cloud: (thinks for a second) I like playing with the birdies. I play Tag with them; I chase them all over the farm. (slaps Cid on the back) You're IT. (He then runs off)

Bzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzz

Sonux: Okay that's the end. Yuffie, time to guess who they are. (Pause) Cloud, get back here!

(Offstage): But there are drinks and goodies back here.

Cid: What kind?

Sonux: Nonalcoholic.

(Cid grumbles as Cloud comes back with a plate full of candy)

Sonux: Cloud, save those for later.

Cloud: (Wines) But I want them NOW!

Sonux: (looks towards the backstage) Tiffa!

(Cloud runs over to Sonux and dumps the candy onto his lap)

Sonux: Never mind! (Turns to Yuffie) Now, your guesses.

Yuffie: Well... Bachelor number one is my clone on a sugar high.

Sonux: Close enough. "A hyper active 16 year old on a sugar high."

Yuffie: Cid is an annoying pizza maker?

Sonux: Eh... no. Try again.

Cid: I hope-a you eat lot-a mushrooms.

Yuffie: OH! He's the tall green dude that helps Mario. Yoshi! I mean... Luigi. Sorry but the names sound alike.

Sonux: yeah... sure...

Yuffie: and Cloud is himself, with a crush on Cid.

Sonux: No. What does Cloud think Cid is?

Yuffie: A moron?

Sonux: There's that but... What are the yellow chickens you ride...?

Yuffie: OH! Cloud thinks Cid is a Chocobo.

Sonux: Yes, you finally got it right.

(All the characters walk back to their seats)

Sonux: Alright, that was interesting. A thousand points to Cloud for jumping on Cid's back. That's an image I'm not gonna forget. No matter how hard I try.

Cloud: So that means I'm in the lead?

Cid: Points don't matter you nimrod.

Cloud: (pouts) Then what am I suppose to do with them?

Sonux: You take them home and save them up, then when you have enough you get a free candy bar, and a free chocobo ride!

Cloud: (Eyes light up) YEAH!

Cid: Ya just had to say that didn't ya Sonux?

Sonux: Well, duh, or else I wouldn't have said it! Now, on to the next game.

Cloud: But I just sat down...

Sonux: Don't matter. This is for all four of you and it's called "Party Quirks."

Yuffie: PARTY!

Sonux: Not THAT kind Yuffie. So keep your shirt on, and Cid don't even go there! Now Cid you're hosting the party.

Cid: ANY party?

Sonux: Within censors. Now we have given the others a strange quirk or identity, and you have to guess who they are.

Cid: (rolls his eyes) whatever.

(Sephiroth shakes his head, Cloud Smiles, and Yuffie looks like she's about to throw up.)

Sonux: Now whenever you're ready, begin!

(Cid walks around the stage making grunting noises.)

Cid: There, now we have enough room for the sacrifice.

Sonux: I am SO not asking!

Ding Dong

Cid: the first vic--err guest is here. (He opens the door for Sephiroth) Hello

Sephiroth: Hiya. (Text: A Can-Can showgirl)

(Sephiroth turns to the camera and starts kicking the air, while walking in to the house.)

Cid: ...You like kempo right?

Sonux: uh, nope.

Cid: Well whatever you do don't knock over anything.

DingDongDingDongDingDongDingDongDingDong

Cid: that's definatly Cloud.

(Opens the door and it is Cloud)

Cid: Thought so. Come on in.

(Text: likes things that make noise)

Cloud: Nice doorbell.

DingDongDingDongDingDong

Cid: Um, would you please come in and CUT THAT OUT!

Cloud: Okay. (He walks in) Oooh, punch. (Picks up a cup and makes noises)Bloup Bloup

Cid: The hell…?

Cloud: Just filling up the cups. Now where's the bathroom?

Cid: (very confused) down the hall, on your left. Just watch out for the tie bo kid over there.

Sonux: WRONG!

Cid: Shut up! It's harder than it looks.

Sephiroth: (falsetto) Speak for your self. I have to do this three times a day for an hour.

Cid: Then you'd have good looking buns.

Sonux: Cid where the hell did that come from!

Cid: I'll tell you later.

Cloud: (finds "bathroom") OOOO! Nice toilet. (Flushes)

Ding Dong Ding Dong

Cid: Just another headache. (Opens the Door) Hey, Yuffie.

Yuffie: (looking VERY pissed.) Where is she? (Storms in) I know she's here.

(Text: Cid's fiancé convinced he's cheating on her.)

Cid: (blinks twice) Uh, I don't what you're talkin' about.

Yuffie: (turns to Cid) Don't play dumb with me Mr. Hot-Shot-Plane-Boy.

Sonux: Uh, two words… no comment.

Sephiroth: But isn't that a comment itself?

Sonux: Not if I say it ain't, and guess what. IT AIN'T.

Cloud: Hey, Cid. Your faucet is dripping. (Head fallows each drop) Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Cid: Cloud I don't care how much it interests you. STOP MAKING NOISES!

Bzzzzzz

Sonux: Close enough. (Cloud heads back to his seat.)

Yuffie: You still haven't told me where she is yet.

Cid: Who?

Yuffie: (holds an imaginary hair) the owner of this hair. I found it on you underwear while I was doing our laundry.

Cid: (turns to the camera) It's not what it looks like, Shera!

(Sonux falls off his chair laughing)

(Sephiroth finally stops kicking and sits on the step)

Sephiroth: (Falsetto with bad accent) When am I getting paid for this show?

(Yuffie turns to glare at him)

Yuffie: So you're the floozy, who's trying to take my Cidy away.

(Cid face faults in the classic anime style)

Cid: NOW I'm REALLY confused.

Sonux: Aren't we all. Well except me cause I have the cards, but that's besides the point.

Cid: Be quiet! I'm trying to explain to my girlfriend that I'm not cheating.

Bzzzzz

Sonux: Nice one. But it was "your fiancé".

Sephiroth: (Falsetto) Someone put on my music for me. DA da dadada daaa daaaa dada dada.

Cid: Could someone get this French dancer out of my house?

Sonux: (sings) What is the dace that came from France…?

Cid: The Can-can?

Bzzzzzz

Sonux: Yes finally, you got it. Took ya long enough! (Cid grumbles as he heads back to his seat.)

Sonux: How about that 2,000 burpSorry, pizza. As I was saying, 2,000 points for Cid and Yuffie, the cutest couple I've seen!

Cid: WHAT!

Cloud: But that means that I'm not winning anymore!

Sephiroth: How many times do we have to say it, THE POINTS DON'T MATTER!

Cloud: Then how come we have them?

Sonux: long story, and I'm short on time. Now for the next game……Scenes from a hat! (Evil glare at Cid)

Cid: (mutters) Oh &$.

Cloud: Cid, What does &$ mean.

Cid: … (Sweatdrops)

Cloud: HEY! Cid pulled a Vincent!

Sonux: Okayyy. First scene! (looks at card) well that's already done.

Cloud: What did it say?

Sonux: Next scene

Cloud: That's not what it said!

Sonux: Lets just get on with the show, for our prestigious audience and viewers. WAIT! Where did that come from?

Cloud: I learned two new words today!

Sonux: That's nice Cloud. Anyway, the next scene is: "FF7 catch phrases in other languages!"

Cid: $&!&#.

Sonux: Cid, that doesn't change in any other language.

Cid: I know, that's why I said it!

Sonux: Okay, next scene! Limit Breaks that will never work!

Yuffie: BUBBLE BRA BASH!

(All males, including Sonux, facefault)

Sonux: Actually that might work for some, not mentioning any names.

Cloud: (motions Yuffie over with him) FINAL FANTASY FLASH!

(Censor appears over Yuffie's chest, because Cloud "accidentally" lifted up her shirt.)

Sephiroth: That would actually be an attack if it was Tifa!

(Said girl appears out of nowhere and uses Final Heaven limit break on Sephiroth)

Sonux: NEXT SCENE! "The thoughts going through Cid Highwind's mind when he first joins AVALANCHE!"

Cid: How the # did I $#&$ get stuck with these #& lunatics!

Sonux: Well, since he's the one that said it, that's most likely what he really was thinking. Anyone else?

(Cloud and Sephiroth are still writhing in pain and agony, while Yuffie is still hiding from embarrassment)

Sonux: (tosses two X-potions to Cloud and Sephiroth) Now for the next scene! (Evil grin) Ohhhh this is gonna be good! "What Shera really thinks about Cid!"

Cid: What more can I say, He's perfect.

Yuffie: I # can't stand that #&.

Sonux: Do you think that she may actually swear more than him!

Yuffie: Well she lives with him. Why wouldn't she?

Sonux: Hmm, good point.

Yuffie: He is such a $$#& baby. Always $#&( about his & tea and that $&$ rocket, and especially when he # runs out of $# cigarettes.

Sonux: (laughing hysterically) THAT IS SO TRUE!

Cloud: I'm learning lots of new words today!

Sephiroth: What are we gonna do with these morons?

Sonux: Have them do the next scene, which is……….(looks off-screen) do I really have to read this? Humph, FINE! (Mutters) &$# &#$. Okay the scene is: "College courses FF7 characters would teach."

Cloud: Hello I'm Cloud Strife, and I am your advanced quantum physics teacher.

Yuffie: Knit one, curl two, knit one, curl two. Soon your sweater will be done.

Cid: How did I get stuck in the $ Daycare. (Is hit over the head) OWW, why can't I swear? (Is hit again) okay I get the point! Sheeesh.

Sephiroth: OKAY YOU PANSIES, THIS IS HOW I WANT IT DONE (breaks out into cheer routine) AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE AND FOUR. THIS IS HOW WE'LL GIVE YOU MORE!

Cloud: (motions over for Cid to come with him, and Cloud proceeds to get on all fours) Hello, I am Nanaki. (Walks behind Cid and sniffs his butt) I'm in charge of security.

Sonux: You should be glad that he hasn't had any beans today, after all that's why he's often called by he last name instead of his first. HighWIND!

(Cid glares at Sonux)

Sonux: And now: "Advent Children Outtakes"

Cid: (pokes his right arm) Damn paper jam.

Cloud: Catch me Cidy.

(Cid shudders)

Sephiroth: Shut up and let's do this…. (Starts river dancing)

Yuffie: You're late, Cloud.

Cloud: (whines) I had a hair appointment…

Bzzzzzzz

Sonux: All right, that's enough torture for me. We'll be right back to find out who the winner is.

Cloud: Can I get my candy back?

Sonux: Sorry, I ate it.

Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

(Commercial Break staring the benefits of Mako energy as supplied by Shinra)

(Now back to the Show)

Cloud:---OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cid: Breath, Cloud! Breath!

Cloud: Gasp okay

Sonux: (left eye twitching) Welcome back to Who's Line is it Anyway? Our winner tonight is Yuffie.

(Yuffie smiles and waves to the crowed while Cloud pouts.)

Sonux: Now for the final game , that I'm joining in on: Irish Drinking Song! With Aries in the piano.

(The audence appalse while Cid grumbles about not having any "drinks")

Sonux: Now I need an idea from you guys. Tell me a reason why you might ware a hat.

(Various ideas come flying out of the crowd.)

Yuffie: I heard "Going Bald"!

Sonux: Works for me. So we will do the Going Bald Drinking Song, take it away whenever you're ready girl.

All: Ooooooooooh didedidedide didedidedi.

Cloud: I just went to the barber.

Sonux: he told me he had bad news.

Sephiroth: He said I'm going bald.

Cid: Am I crazy to believe you?

Cloud: He said that it was the truth.

Sonux: It hurt and I couldn't bear it.

Sephiroth: Now I'm stuck wearing a hat.

Cid: Cause I don't want to look like Barret!

All: Oooh didedidedide didedidedi.

Sonux: I don't just wear hats.

Sephiroth: I sometimes wear wigs.

Cid: But they just don't feel right.

Cloud: I like Figs!

Sonux: Where did that come from?

Sephiroth: I really don't know.

Cid: Should we ask him?

Cloud: I've really got to go!(starts squirming!)

All: Ooh didedidedide didedidedi.

Sephiroth: I have lots of hats now.

Cid: I put 'em all on a rack

Cloud: I gotta find the bathroom.

Sonux: Cloud, stay on track.

Sephiroth: Where is the Bathroom?

Cid: It's the third one on the right.

Cloud: I hope I don't get lost.(runs off)

Sonux: (shouts)When you're done turn off the light.

(Yuffie runs in to take Cloud's place)

All: Ooooh didedidedide didedidedi.

Cid: So What do we do now?

YuffIe: I'm here playing this game!

Sonux: You know this really sucks.

Sephiroth: and I think I'm going insane!

Cid: Come join the club.

Yuffie: That makes more than two.

Sonux: What are we singing about?

Sephiroth: I really don't have a clue!

All: Ooooooooooh didedidedide didedidedi. Ooooh didedidedidedie die dee die dee dieeeeee.

Sonux: Well that's all for tonight. See you all next time for another Who's line is it anyway? FF7 style!


	2. Second Show

Disclaimer: The fallowing characters do not belong to us: Cloud, Cid, Vincent, Aeris, or Barret. (Basically any character other than Sonux) Please don't sue all you'll get is used underwear.

ChaosDynasty: Where in the &$#& $#& did that come from!

AkaiKamiRyu: (Smirks) Do you REALLY want to know?

ChaosDynasty: SHUTTINGUPNOW!

Second Show

Sonux: Due to popular demand, we're back for a second show! He isn't a genius and he IS that stupid: Cloud Strife. Silent but deadly: Vincent Valentine. Big, Bad, and Balding: Barret Wallace. Fowl mind and fowl mouthed: Ciddy Highwind……… Who put that there?

AkaiKamiRyu: I did. So shut up and do the show, or you will lose you Cid torturing privileges for a week.

Sonux: FINE! (Mumbles): Jackass… Anyway I'm Sonux, now let's have some more fun today, shall we?

Cid: What where you talking about?

Sonux: (looking "innocent") nuttin'

Cid: …… Whatever.

Sonux: Now for all those who don't know how we do things here, I'll explain. What we're gonna do here is have these fine "young" gentlemen do comedy skits of improv. Which means that they will be doing all of this from the top of their heads, and over their heads as well. Their improvs will be inspired by these cards (is messing with cards), and by the audience and readers. At the end of each round I will distribute points, not sure why, cause they don't mean jack.

Cloud: Who's Jack?

(Sonux blatantly ignores Cloud and continues.)

Sonux: That's right the points don't matter. Just like the story in a hentai manga…………RYU!

AkaiKamiRyu: (looking "INNOCENT") I didn't do anything. Remember what I said about the contract?

Sonux:………stupid friggin' contracts. (Clears throat) Now for the first game. It's party quirks. This time Barret is hosting.

Barret: I'm doin' what now?

Sonux: Basically we give Cloud, Cid, and Vincent a strange quirk or identity that they must act out as they arrive to your "party". At the end you must guess each of their identities correctly.

(Cloud tilts head in confusion. Cid just grimaces, and Vincent is well…Vincent)

Sonux: Whenever you're ready Barret, START THE PARTY!

Barret: (walks around with imaginary phone) Look I told the Strippers to be here at 6, it's now 7.

Dingdong

Barret: I'll call you back (Hangs up and answers door) Hey Cloud.

Text below screen: The emergency Broadcast system

Cloud: Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

Barret: Are you a mosquito?

(Cloud shakes head while still "eeeeee"ing.)

Barret: (sweat drops) well come in an' get something to drink, I think you're going to need it.

Dingdong

Barret: Oh hey Vince.

Text: Drop out actor thinking he is doing Shakespearian musical on Broadway.

Vincent: (Reaches up and caresses Barret's face while singing off key) Oh what light through yonder face breaks? It is the north and you are the moon.

(Barret backs away from Vincent and into a still "eeeee"ing Cloud.)

Barret: (looks at Cloud) Do you have any idea what gotten into him?

Cloud: (Shakes head "no") eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

Barret: Are you sure you're not a buggy?

Sonux: I don't think he is an all terrain vehicle.

Barret: What?

Dingdong dingdong

(As Barret walks to the "door", Vincent is now on one knee in front of Cloud)

Vincent: At last, door-rick, I…..LINE! Oh Right. I knew him……..LINE! Hiroshima.

Barret: You're a sad excuse for an actor.

Bzzzzzzzzz

Sonux: Wow! First try. Nice!

Barret: …right. (Opens door) come on in Cid.

Text: Yuffie Kisaragi

Cid: (overly excited) HIYA BARRET!

(Barret backs away very nervous, and into a blue-faced still "eeee"ing Cloud.)

Cid: Where is that hot stud, Cid Highwind? I want to "get" something from him.

(Sonux pulls massive facefault)

Sonux: (from behind desk) I can't believe you just said that dude!

Barret: What are you talkin' 'bout Cid?

Cid: What? Cid? Where? I'm the great thieving ninja!

Barret: You're YUFFIE!

Bzzzzzzzzz

Cid: Unfortunately yes. Though I think I'm going to regret it later!

Cloud: EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee……….(passes out)

Barret: OKAY CLOUD! What's the emergency?

Bzzzzzzzz

Sonux: Nice work! Two thousand points for you. Took ya only three quarters of the time that it took Cid. (Tosses Phoenix Down on Cloud) Get up, we gotta show to finish.

Cid: HEY!

Sonux: …. Is for horses! (grins) Now for the next game: Who's Line?... There's a game named after the show? Whatever. This game is for Barret and Cid. Now what you're gonna do is act out a scene, and in this scene you're gonna have to say these lines.

(Sonux hands two slips of paper to Barret and Cid)

Sonux: Now for the scene you're gonna act out. (Blinks before evil smirk) "Barret and Cid are a newlywed couple on their wedding night. When things don't go as planed."

Cid: What am I now?

Sonux: A girl married to Barret. Now begin.

(Barret carries Cid bridal style, and kicks imaginary door)

Barret: Honey, we're home.

Cid: You can put me down now _dear_!

Cloud: DEER WHERE!

Sonux: Shut up, sit down and drink your Goddamn water!

Barret: Oh Honey you look so beautiful tonight.

Cid: Oh you flatterer.

Barret: Now I must tell you something. Something that my father told me to tell my wife on our wedding night.

Cid: And what was that?

Barret: He said to tell you, (pulls out slip 1) "You've just been Sarged!"

(Text at bottom of screen: I don't think you want to know what's goin' on in Cid's head right now. – Sonux)

Cid: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

Barret: Well my dad was a Sergeant, and he said it to my mom all the time.

Cid: (Storms off) Oh! I cannot believe you just said that. (Looks to Barret) You are being very rude tonight.

Barret: How was I rude, you said that you loved me and I made you the happiest women on earth. What did I do wrong?

Cid: Remember? You got drunk, jumped up on a table, took off your shirt and yelled, (pulls out paper) "It's not pink, it's lightish red!" People didn't care to know the color of you boxers.

(Vincent falls off chair in background and Cloud looks over at Vincent curiously. Sonux is nowhere to be seen.)

Barret: But it wasn't my fault! The punch was spiked! Is there any way I can make it up to you?

Cid: I don't know….. Maybe if you say those words I always love to hear.

Barret: Oh you mean the words that I said when I first met you! (pulls put slip) "Kiss me, I love Bunny slippers."

Cid: That's not what you said to me! You must have said that to some other woman. So I'm not the first one that you loved!

Barret: YES, I mean NO, I mean, Oh I don't know anymore!

Cid: So you you've had so many women that you can't tell me from the others, THAT'S IT WE'RE THROUGH!

Barret: (whines) NOOO, don't go! If you leave, what will I do? You are my life!

(Cid just now notices Vincent on the floor and snickers)

Cid: I'm sorry you feel that way, but I must go. The two of us can never be happy together. Now before I leave there is something I must tell you. Something that I hope you can remember me by. (pulls out last paper) "That's right, I'm a gay robot"

Barret: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Screen pans over to desk, where you see the buzzer suddenly disappears behind it)

bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz

Cloud: (looks over at desk then looks at Cid) Wheredidhego Cid, Wheredidhego?

Cid: Wha?

Sonux: (hoarsely) Enough! Enough, I say! Take your points and go!

(Sonux then climbs up desk and his face is entirely red from laughing so hard)

Sonux: (slightly recovered) Okay, that whole skit was so wrong on so many levels!

(Sonux takes a big gulp and finishes off 24 oz. Jolt)

Sonux: Ahh that's better. Now the next game is called: Questions Only! This is for all four off you. Vincent and Barret start out, and you can only act it out with questions. If you can't come up with a question, I buzz you out and either Cloud or Cid will take your place. The one who last the longest wins. (Turns to audience) Now I need a place where lots of fun occurs.

(Audience gives various answers)

Sonux: Alright, it looks like the scene is an amusement park. Ready. Set. Go Go Go.

Barret: Are you new here?

Vincent: ….Why do you ask?

Barret: You look new.

Bzzzzz

Barret: Damn.

Vincent: … Are you here for the ride?

Cid: You mean the new ride?

Vincent: … Which one?

Cid: Isn't there only one new roller coaster?

Vincent: … So you like those rides?

Cid: Why, don't you?

(Vincent just turns and walks away)

Bzzzzzzz

Cid: What's with your hair?

Cloud: Can't you tell I just got off the Screaming Death?

Cid: That's a ride?

Cloud: Can't you tell?

Cid: No……#&

Bzzzzzzzz

Sonux: That's not a question either.

Cid: Shut up!

Cloud: Are you the manager?

Barret: Do I look like him?

Cloud: Can't you see my girlfriend just got sick on your rides?

Barret: Before or after she rode?

Cloud: Why don't you ask her?

Barret: Why don't you just tell me?

Cloud: Isn't your job to make the rides safe?

Barret: Are you sure about that?

Cloud: What if I'm the Safety Inspector?

Barret: Aren't you a little late?

Cloud: What do you mean?

Barret: Didn't you know you were suppose to be here last week?

Cloud: Uhh…..

Bzzzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzzz

Sonux: I think that's enough for now. We'll take a break and find out who our winner is when we get back. Don't leave your seat!

(Commercial Break advertising Honey Bee Inn's new low rates. And a beat up Corneo deal.)

Sonux: Welcome back! Our winner tonight: Barret.

(Cloud grumbles about not winning again while Cid wonders what they have to do.)

Sonux: This means the rest of us are going to have to do a HOEDOWN! With Aeris on the piano. Now I need an idea for something you do in your spare time.

(Several ideas are yelled from the audience.)

Sonux: Okay, we're gonna do the 'Video Game' Hoedown. Take it away whenever you're ready girl.

(Piano starts up and the audience starts clapping along.)

Cloud: I play video games; I play them all the time.

I do not know why, these lines have to rhyme.

There is one thing to be said, of that I'm sure.

I don't think I'll ever learn cure.

Sonux: I like DDR, Dancing all around.

Bouncin' to the bass, crankin' up the sound.

I get lots of combos, moving at fast speed

I think that next time I'm gonna Invite SeeD.

Vincent: I think video games are really really fun.

I keep playing; I'm never ever done.

I like the army games and I always get my man.

But I regret that I'll never have a tan.

Cid: I play Mario, going for high scores.

Mario number 2 has these really weird doors.

The levels are so simple, yet I still get lost.

Am I ever gonna get to the final boss.

All: To the final boooooooooooooooooosss!

Sonux: That's all for us tonight! See ya next time for more insanity.

A/N: Any suggestions for future scenes are welcomed. Also any reviewer who can guess the original lines that Vincent botched and/or the one line that DIDN'T come from Red vs. Blue will get a cookie.


	3. Third Show with girlfriends

Disclaimer: Other than Sonux, we do not own any characters so please don't sue. If we did own them, pigs would be flying and I have yet to see one with wings.

AkaiKamiRyu: But BBQ wings are so tasty.

ChaosDynasty: They are made from chicken, not pork.

AkaiKamiRyu: Oh… I did not know that.

Episode 3

Sonux: Hey hey! We're now back for our third, yes third, episode. Cause he IS a blonde, Cloud Strife. She's not itsy bitsy, or teeny weeny, Tifa Lockheart. She blinded me with science, Shera. He's been Blown Sky high quite a few times, Cid Highwind. I'm Sonux. For any one who has been stuck in the fabric of time, this is how were gonna do this. Our contestants here will be doing Improv. At the end of these skit I will distribute points, and I'm still not sure why. The points are about as good as cheat codes to a legit gamer.

(Cid rolls his eyes)

Sonux: Now for the first game: News Casters. This is for all four of you. Cid, you're the host of a news show and Shera's gonna be your co-anchor. She's your over protective mother, constantly nagging you. Tifa, you got Sports. You're a six year old who just found the mother load of candy.

Cloud: (whines) Why does she get candy?

Sonux: (ignores Cloud, again) Cloud, you're doing the weather and you are an explorer looking for the lost treasure. So whenever you hear the music, begin.

(News intro music starts up and the camera sweeps in on Cid and Shera sitting on stools in the center of the stage.)

Cid: Hello, and welcome to the evening news. I'm your host I. Efing Doncare. Our top story: Hundreds suddenly hospiltized in Costa del Soul. Apparently you CAN'T drink the water. Details later. Now to my co-anchor, Henny Pecks.

Shera: (glares at Cid) How many times have I told you to call me "Mom" in public? And who said you could be the host? Don't you know how many news hosts are hurt every year?

Cid: Uh… two?

Shera: That's two too many for my little Ciddy-Widdy.

Cid: (un-nerved) Um… All right, let's see what's going on in the world of sports, with our sports reporter: Sugary Sweets. Sugar!

Tifa: (she is on her knees and talks in a high voice) Hewooo dare evweboady. Today I had the bestest best day eva. Wanna know why? Cause I found all of the candy my mommy hid from me. The pile is THIS big. (Stretches arms over her head.) And I'm gonna eat it alllllllll up! (Starts eating the "candy") Mmmm… sugarsugarsugarsugarsugar. (Starts running in circles around the "pile") Yahooooooooooo!

(The camera switches back to Cid and Shera)

Cid: Thanks for that over the top report.

Shera: (looking upset with Cid) Why aren't you wearing your sweater?

Cid: I-I am wearing one… _Mom_…

Shera: Not the one I made for you. Do you know how long it took me to knit those bunnies on it? And we know how much you love bunnies.

Cid: Whatever…

Shera: Don't you sass me, mister.

Cid: (Un-nerved) Ummm…… Anyway let's see what the weather is going to be like, with our weatherman, Dimm Lightbulb. Dimm!

Cloud: (His back is to the camera and he looks around intently until he sees the camera.) Oh! I'm on? Well, there's going to be lots of sun this weekend. Perfect for a great treasure hunter, like myself. Now, according to this map, I go five paces North… (Walks towards the camera) Three paces to my right… (Stands next to Cid) and seven past the angry married couple. (Walks over to Tifa) Crikey! I've found it! The lost candy stash of Chief Tooth D. Kay.

(Tifa stands in front of the "candy")

Tifa: UH-Uh It my candy! Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Sticks tongue out at Cloud)

Cloud: (starts crying) But-but I been looking for this my whole life. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Tifa: (pats his head) Alwite, I share.

Cloud: Yeah!

Cid: Well that's all for tonight. See you tomorrow if I feel like it.

Shera: I thought I told you to keep your comments to yourself.

(End theme music plays as they go back to their seats.)

Sonux: That was good. 2,000 points to Shera for her realistic performance.

Shera: Wow! This is a lot more fun than I thought.

Cid: … (mumbles under his breath)

Cloud: Did you say something, Cid?

Cid: Nope

Sonux: Anyway let's start the next game.

Tifa: Do I get to torture someone this time?

Sonux: Depends on your point of view. Now this game is a favorite here: Party Quirks. Shera, you will be hosting this party. Though, the only people you can get to come are these three (Points to Cloud and others. Cloud blinks, Tifa shudders, and Cid just laughs out loud). Cloud, Tifa and Cid, you will be given identities to act out and Shera, you have to guess who or what they are. So………BEGIN! Oh and Tifa, Good luck.

(Shera walks around cleaning various areas)

Shera: I knew I should've cleaned up from the party last week.

Ding Dong

Shera: Dammit! They're here already.

Sonux: Been around Cid much?

Shera: Hey Cloud.

(Text: Finalist in a belching contest)

Cloud: (belches) Hello.

Shera: (waves hand in front of her face) Uh… come on in.

Cloud: Sorry. I had an onion and garlic smoothie.

(The others shudder)

Cloud: Where's the drinks? I need to stock up.

Shera: (blinks) On the table, just don't burp in my face.

(Cloud starts "chugging" the punch bowl)

Ding Dong

Shera: Save some for the rest of the guests. (Opens the door for Tifa.) Hey, girl! Wazzup?

(Text: Nudist trying to convert the other party members.)

Tifa: Hey, hey! Aren't those clothes a little constricting?

Shera: I thought that this sleeveless dress was very flattering on my slim figure.

(Cid raises an eyebrow)

Tifa: You should goooooooo…. (Pretends to rip shirt) all natural! (Starts shaking) Yeah!

(All males now sport nose-bleeds, excluding Sonux and Cid who is the recipient of Shera's glare.)

Cloud: (belch talks) You're… cute.

Tifa: Same to you big boy. Why don't we get you out of those _tight _clothes, and have you feel the breeze between your knees?

(Now all Females sport nose-bleeds, except Tifa and Shera.)

Ding Dong

Shera: (Confused) I'll get it. (Opens the door) Oh! Cid you didn't have to ring the bell.

(Text: Drunken Chocobo)

Cid: WARK!

(Shera falls over from the unexpected reply)

(Cid then "chicken-walks" into the room.)

Shera: (Very confused) Cid?

Cid: WARK! Starts pecking at the food, then sticks out his tongue) WAAAAARK! (Walks away with a slight swaying in his step)

Shera: Cid? Do you have some sort of speech impairment?

Cid: WARK!

Shera: Was that a yes or a no?

Cloud: Oooh, Beer!

(Cid runs over, as expected, and drinks the "beer," also as expected.)

Cid: WAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAARK…….. (falls over)

Cloud: (pouts) now how am I going to win?

Shera: Sorry, but the belching competition is next door.

(Sonux buzzes with a large belch.)

Sonux: (with large grin) I win.

Cloud: (still pouting) I never win.

(Cid gets up a starts swaggering around.)

Cid: Wark….

(Tifa walks over to Cid.)

Tifa: You cold fin in as well. We'll just have to have you wear a full body suit to cover any… "unsightly" parts.

Cid: **WARK!**

(Tifa now falls over from the blunt reply.)

Shera: Sorry, but I don't think I want to be a nudist right now.

Bzzzzzzzz

(Cid looks at Shera strangely)

Cid: Wark?

Shera: Come on you big bird, we'll get you back to the ranch.

Bzzzzz Bzzzzzz

Sonux: Close enough!

(Shera and Cid walk back to their seats as Sonux try to fix his desk. He accidentally broke it while laughing so hard.)

Sonux: Hey C.D. (short for ChaosDynasty) can I have my powers back for this short time?

ChaosDynasty: I know Akai isn't going to like this much but we have to fix it somehow, the last thing I need is another pay cut!

AkaiKamiRyu:……………_FINE!_

(Sonux fixes desk, then loses his powers again)

Sonux: (mumbles) I was hoping he'd forget to revoke them…..

Cloud: (Confused) What just happened?

Sonux: (ignores Cloud, yes this too is expected) On to the next game, which happens to be Akai's favorite, Scenes From A hat!

AkaiKamiRyu: YAAATTTAAAAA!

ChaosDynasty: I think you've had enough sugar for a while.

Sonux: Can we just get on with this? (Draws Card) First scene, Hojo…. the younger years.

Cid: I don wanna pony, I wanna doomsday gun.

Tifa: Why Can't I play with the other kids? I won't experiment on them like last time!

Cloud: I feel Pretty! Oh so Pretty!

Sonux: Cloud this scene doesn't involve your personal fantasies. Now for the next scene (pulls out card) Lucretia's thoughts while she's encased in the crystal.

Cloud: Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now! Gotta go gotta go gotta go!

Cid: When is Vincent coming back with that hot stud? (Grins)

Cloud: You mean me right?

(Cid just laughs……again)

Shera: This cavern could use a little redecorating. I think that a pink floral pattern would work nicely!

Sonux: What is with you and pink flowers? I mean…. geesh!

Shera: (shrugs) Cid has no problem wearing them on his boxers.

Sonux: WTMFI! Way too much Friggin' info! Next scene (pulls out card) ….Random odd words.

Cid: that do what?

Sonux: that's all it says!

Cloud: Macadamia!

Shera: (smiles) Bulbous bouffant!

Tifa: Baloooooooooooga!

Cid: (pulls item out of pocket, and points at it) Spatula!

Sonux: a little too random…….. Next scene (pulls out another card) AVALANCHE's part time jobs.

Cloud: I'm Cid…. Do you want fries with that?

Cid: (pulls Shera up with him) Is this the Birthday party? I'm clown Strife!

Tifa: (shrugs) Everyone already knows that I own a bar.

Sonux: New scene! Contests that the FF7 cast is sure to win.

Shera: First place for being the biggest jackass: Cid Highwind.

Cloud: HEY! That was mine!

Cid: the smartass of the year award goes to Shera.

Tifa: Cloud Strife wins the most creative use of hair gel award.

Cloud: For causing the most nosebleeds in a wet t-shirt contest: Tifa Lockheart.

All: And the most annoying being on the planet: Cait Sith.

Sonux: Surround Sound! ….Anyway for the last scene. Strange Materia.

Cloud: Random Song Materia! (Sings….. overly dramatic) Jeremiah was a bullfrog!

Shera: Hair Dye Materia….. I wish I was a blonde.

Cid: Species changing Materia. WARK!

Tifa: Idiot repellant Materia. (Cloud walks over to Tifa) Darn it doesn't work.

Cid: you got those mixed up. That's the idiot lure Materia.

Sonux: buzz……. (Holds up remains of buzzer)……..broken. We'll be back to see who the winner is, don't go nowhere.

(Commercial for Buzzers inc. Sonux is looking at wall of buzzers, then looks over at one in particular and grins, "shiny")

Sonux: And were back, our winner tonight is Cloud.

(Cloud is staring at Buzzer)

Cloud: shinyshinyshinyshinyshiny.

Sonux: We are going to be doing World's Worst where we stand up here and come up with worlds worst……

Cloud: Shinyshinyshinyshinyshinyshinyshiny.

Sonux: CLOUD!

Cloud: huh. Wha? Oh! (Opens envelope) uhhh……Battle Cries.

Tifa: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!

Sonux: NOT THE FACE!

Shera: I got a couple of bombs and I'm not afraid to use them!

(Cid falls over, then gets back up)

Cid: One for the money, two for the Show, three to get ready and four to………..I'm goin this way! (Points in other direction)

Sonux: WHYYYYY MEEEEEEE?

Shera: CAUSEEE IIII SAIDD SO!

Cid: FOR ALLL THE DRUNKEN CHOCOBOS!

Tifa: OUTTA MY WAY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

(Cid points over to Cloud)

Shera: Last one to kill an enemy buys the beer.

Cid: not it!

Tifa: I just got paid.

Sonux: NO PAY CUTS!

Cid: (grins) I just farted.

Sonux: run if ya smell anything.

Bzzzzzzzbzzzzzzzbzzzzzbzzzzzzbzzzzzz

Cloud: this is fun.

Bzzzzzzbzzzzzzzzzbzzzzzzzzzbzzzzzzzzzbzzzzzzbbbzzzzz

Sonux: Knock that off DIRTBAG!

(Robot Number 3 appears out of nowhere)

Robot Number 3: eeeEEEEPP (punches Cloud)

Cid: I thought I left that on the airship.

Sonux: I decided to bring him along. That's all for tonight. Se ya next show for more……….randomness.

Cid: Randomness?

Sonux: you got anything better?

Cid: WARK!

Sonux:…….. I think I just lost my hearing.

Author's notes

Anyone confused as to the Robot Number 3 reference should read ChaosDynasty's story 'Dirtbag!' Also, we are still accepting ideas for our skits in your reviews. Bonus: Any one who can guess the song Cloud sings will get another cookie. Cid ate all the others.


	4. The Special One

Disclaimer (By ChaosDynasty): I own nothing, including this computer I'm typing on. Though I did pay the money for it. So, does that mean that it belongs to me, therefore making it mine? HEY! I do own something!

AkaiKamiRyu: We do not own the Final Fantasy 7 cast, though we are blackmailing them into servitude. (evil laugh)

ChaosDynasty: Blackmail…….. is that a new service by the Post Office, in which they deliver mail at night?

AkaiKamiRyu: Shut up and let's do this.

ChaosDynasty: (starts riverdancing) And here I thought that I didn't know how to riverdance!

Episode 4……This ones SPECIAL!

Sonux: Welcome back for the Fourth installment. Failed every elementary exam, Cloud Strife. Failed showing emotions, Vincent Valentine. Failed Ninja School, Yuffie Kisaragi. Failed everything, except for being an Airhead, Cid Highwind. I'm Sonux, and I think that, by now, you all know how this show works. If not, than why are you watching the fourth episode? Anyway, on with the show.

Cid: Nice confidence booster with the intro.

Sonux: Glad ya liked it. Now for the first game, lets make a date, NOT the fruit Cloud! Yuffie, you are the lucky Bachelorette on a dating show. Unfortunately all you have to choose from are Cloud, Cid, and Vincent. We have given them a strange identity that they must act out, and you must guess who or what they are.

(Vincent's eyes narrow, Cid raises an eyebrow, and Cloud just shakes his head)

Sonux: First off, I wish you luck Vince, and whenever you're ready Yuffie, begin.

(Vincent glares at Sonux)

Yuffie:(cute) Oh bachelor no. 1!

Vincent: uh, yes?

Yuffie: I like a man who is not afraid to show his feminine side. How would you show me it on a date?

(Text: A mother going through first Child Birth)

Vincent: (Takes Deep breathes while massaging 'stomach') I would buy you flowers and then (quickens breaths) I think its time. (quickens breath, again) AHHHHH! Ohhh. Um, what was the question again?

Yuffie: … I'll come back on that one. Okay, um, Bachelor no. 2.

Cid: (Big goofy grin) Yeah?

Yuffie: I want a man who knows how to please a woman—

Cid: HAHA!

Yuffie: (blinks, continues unnerved) What would you do to "please" me?

(Text: laughing hyena)

Cid: (Laughs, still with big goofy grin) You really want me to answer that? (laughs again) what a silly question! (laughs…yet again) Got any food?

Yuffie: no, but you sound like a good time. (Cid laughs again) Bachelor no. threeeEEEEeeee?

Cloud: (Smoking imaginary cigarette) oui mon cherri?

Yuffie: I like adventurous guys. What was the most extreme thing you've ever done?

(Text: Don Corneo jr. attempting to get first kiss)

Cloud: Hmm, that would have to be…. right now, while I grace the lips of this lovely lady here. (Points to Sonux while Cid busts out laughing)

(Sonux raises an eyebrow while Cloud walks over to him)

Cloud: (with bad French accent) oh you are so lovely, mon petit …something. Allow me to relieve you of your first kiss with this grand lover.

(Cloud holds Sonux's face and moves in for a kiss. Sonux is able to put his hand between them just in time. Cid falls off stool laughing hysterically.)

Cloud: (pulls back and yells) Wooooooo. I did it Daddy-o! I did it!

Yuffie: (blinks three times) …okay! Uh, you're interesting…Bachelor num---

Vincent: (screams) AAAAAHHHH! (Rhythmic breathing) AHHHHHHHHH! (continues rhythmic breathing)

(Cid is now laughing uncontrollably as Vincent continues)

Vincent: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH—ohh…(weakly) is it over yet?

Cloud: (walks over to Vincent and pretends to be holding a baby) Oui. And here is our beautiful baby girl, Tifa jr.

(Cid, at this moment, passes out from laughing too much)

Bzzzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzzz

Sonux: Okay Yuffie, Please guess so we can get this scene, which I find extremely wrong, over with. And get a Phoenix Down. Cid needs it.

(Yuffie tosses one on Cid as the other two sit back on their stools.)

Yuffie: Vincent is Shera after Cid got through with her.

(Sonux falls off his chair laughing hysterically while Cid falls off his from complete embarrassment and turns as red as Vincent's cloak.)

Sonux: (Hoarsely) No! Wrong…. need…. air….

Yuffie: (Sigh) Fine… Vincent is a mother going through labor.

Bzzzzzzzz

Yuffie: Cid is in the middle of a tickle fest?

Cid: What gave you that idea?

Yuffie: Well it was either that or a hyena.

Bzzzzz

Yuffie: (blinks) Oh that was the answer? Okay, now Cloud is….

(Cloud hands Yuffie his card)

Yuffie: (reads) "Don Corneo jr. attempting to get first kiss!"

Bzzzzzzzz

Sonux: (slightly recovered) good. Now get back to your seats. 5,000 points to everyone except Cloud. I'll never forgive you for that kiss.

Cloud: (Wines) Come on. It was a joke….

Sonux: Don't matter. Time for the next game caaaaallllllled…..Weird News Casters. This is for all four of you. Cid, you're gonna be the host of a newscast. Yuffie, you're his co-anchor. You're—(Sonux blinks then chuckles) You're Cid's ten-year-old daughter asking embarrassing questions. Vincent, you got sports. You have a crush on Cid that you can no longer keep a secret.

Vincent: … So?

(Cid switches stools with Yuffie to get further away from Vincent)

Sonux: Cloud you're doing the weather. You're getting repeatedly shot at by a BB gun.

(Cloud looks around worriedly)

Sonux: So whenever you hear the music, begin.

(News intro music plays as the camera sweeps in on Yuffie and Cid)

Cid: (with a deadpan voice) Hello. Welcome to the 5:13 news. I'm your host, Begg Someone-else. Our top story tonight: Fanfic writers find a way to turn 'Flames' into actual fire attacks. Many burns resulted. Now my little daughter will read the rest of this story. (looks at Yuffie) Go on.

Yuffie: (Wines) Do I have to?

Cid: Yes, you do.

Yuffie: Isn't that the same thing you told Mommy last night?

Cid: (blushes) uh….

Yuffie: And why was she walking funny this morning? Did she pull something?

Cid: You see—

Yuffie: And why was she mumbling about getting new leather handcuffs?

Cid: (nervously) I think our viewers had enough of this little attempt at a Q&A. Let's head over to the sports corner with our sports anchor, Quick Play. Quickie?

(Sonux falls off his chair. Second time)

Vincent: (with a deep sultry voice) Thanks, big boy…

(Cid blinks and tries to inch away from Vincent)

Vincent: Before I give the score to the Super Bowl, I have an announcement to make. I've kept a secret from all of you, ever since I started working here. The thing is… (he starts walking over to Cid) I'm madly in love with this man!!!

(Vincent then proceeds to kiss Cid fully on the lips. Sonux is nowhere to be seen.)

Vincent: Don't forget, you can 'spear' me anytime.

(Vincent then walks back to his area as Cid looks like he's about to be sick)

Vincent: (winks) Back to you…

Yuffie: Daddy, why did that strange man kiss you?

Cid: …

Yuffie: Won't Mommy be mad that you're kissing other people? Like she did when you kissed that red-haired girl at the Honey Bee Inn?

Cid: …

Yuffie: Do I have to talk for you, like the last time you got drunk?

Cid …

Yuffie: (sighs) Fine. Now let's see what is going to happen on the weekend with Cloud Cover. Uncle Cloud?

Cloud: Thank you. (Turns around) Well, for the weekend we can— OW!(Looks around then turns back to the "map") We can expe—Hey! (looks around again while rubbing his back) Expect some rain—OW!! Who the heck's doing that? (rubs his head while glaring at the crowd) Come on! I know you're out there! (Dodges next two shots) Oh, you think it's funny to shoot at a weatherman, don't ya? (stands still) well take you best shot! (Falls to his knees covering his… um… 'area' and talks a few octaves higher) Nice shot… Back to you…

(Cid is still staring in shock from the kiss)

Yuffie: Do I have to smack you to wake you up?

Cid: …

(Yuffie sighs then smacks Cid. This seems to bring him out of his dazed state)

Cid: What the hell happened?

Yuffie: (raises an eyebrow) You don't remember?

Cid: I think I had a strange dream where my sports reporter kissed me.

Vincent: I didn't think I was that good… (winks suggestively)

Cid: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs off)

Yuffie: I guess that's all. See ya tomorrow. Bye-bye! (waves)

Sonux: We'll be right back with some more Whose Line is it Anyway?—FFVII Style after these commercials. And when I get Cid back on stage.

(Commercial for Danger Dan's Discount Used Weapons: "We have everything from mops to Ultima Swords and everything in-between. Any and everything a hero of the planet would need.")

Sonux: Aaaaaaaaaand we're back to Whose Line is it Anyway?. The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are as about as useful as a squirt gun against Ruby Weapon. It doesn't do jack.

Cloud: You still haven't told me who Jack is.

Sonux: (ignores Cloud, again) Now on to the next game: Whose Line. This time it's just Cid and Cloud. Now what you're gonna do is act out a scene, but somewhere in the scene you're gonna have ta use these lines. (hands Cloud and Cid envelopes that contain the lines) Just put them in you pockets so you don't see them. (They put the slips of paper in the envelopes in their pockets) Now for your scene: Cloud and Cid are explorers looking for the 'Temple of Life,' when Cid suddenly catches jungle fever. Whenever you're ready, you may begin.

(Cid and Cloud walk around "slashing" at things.)

Cid: Dammit! We've been here in this jungle for three months now! Where's the f—ing temple?

Cloud: (Overly pleasant) Now Cid, don't get angry. It took the last team 12 years to find the temple.

Cid: They _disappeared_ 12 years ago. Get your facts straight idiot.

Cloud: Why are you in such a hurry to find it?

Cid: Because the only survivor of the last team came back and said: "Oh My God! He's stripping already!!" This adventure must have messed up his mind.

Cloud: Really? And here I thought he and their guide where an item.

Cid: (looks at Cloud) …

Cloud: Now according to the map, we only have a couple more hours left of hiking. (Cid suddenly falls over) Now I told you to stay out of the wine.

Cid: I did… until last night. But I think something's wrong with me. My body aches, my head is on fire, and my stomach is about to empty. (Pretends to barf) I think it is "jungle fever"!!

Cloud: OMIGAWD!! You're gonna die!!!

Cid: (sarcastically) Thanks for the support…

Cloud: Wait! My father told me how to deal with this. He learned it from a native medicine man. What you have to do is: "Say good-bye to Mr. Happy!" Though I have no idea who that is.

Cid: (stares at Cloud) You really are an idiot, aren't ya? Promise me one thing, if I don't make it.

Cloud: Anything for you, old buddy.

Cid: I'M NOT OLD!!! But tell my wife this simple phrase: "Don't eat my Moogle!"

Cloud: … My God!! He's delirious now. (Helps Cid stand) Hang on Cid; I can see a building over the trees.

Cid: Is it the temple?

Cloud: I don't know. But the road sign says: Temple 500 yards. So I think we go thata way.

(Cloud carries/drags Cid across the stage)

Cloud: It's the Temple of Life! Now if I can decode the words on it, I might be able to save you.

Cid: (weakly) what does it say?

Cloud: It says: "We must go ninja in the night!!!"

Cid: … I'm doomed.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sonux: Gee Cid, and here I figured that you were doomed a long time ago…anyway, a thousand points to Cloud for…well…I really don't know. For the next game we will be doing "Song Titles." This game is for all four of you. You must all act out a scene, but you can only talk in song titles, not verses Cloud, titles. Vincent and Yuffie will start off. If you can't think of a song title, or I think you're just BSing, I'll Buzz you out and either Cloud or Cid will take your place. Your scene is a College Frat party. AAAAAAAnd BEGIN!

Yuffie: "Celebrate!"

Vincent: …"High School Never Ends."

Yuffie: "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy"

(Vincent turns and leaves, then Cloud walks up)

Cloud: (Points excitedly at Yuffie) "Itsy-bitsy, Teeny-weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini!"

Yuffie: Peeping Tom!

Bzzzzzz

Cloud: "Word Up!"

Cid: "Let's Get this Party Started!"

Cloud: "Raise the Roof!"

Cid: "7 days"

Cloud: Got milk?©

Bzzzzz

Sonux: That's a commercial. Continue!

Cid: (Points at Vincent) "Lady in Red!"

Vincent: "Accidentally in Love."

Cid: "Ain't it funny?"

Vincent: "Addicted to love."

Cid: (pretends to smoke invisible cigarette. Points to cigarette) "Addicted."

Vincent: "All I Have to Give."

Cid: (rolls eyes) "Everytime"

Vincent: "Fred Come to Bed"

Cid: (Points to himself) "Gone"

Vincent: "How am I Suppose to Live Without You?"

Cid: (grins) "Nobody Knows It But Me"

(Vincent just shakes his head and walks away)

Bzzzzzzzz

Cloud: (Points over his shoulder at Vincent) "Dude Looks Like a Lady"

Cid: "Friday I'm in Love."

Cloud: "Kiss Me!!"

Cid: "Everyday"?

Cloud: "Must be Dreaming"

Cid: True…. Damn

Bzzzzzzzzz

Yuffie: "Baby, Come Over"

Cloud: "Barbie Girl"?

Yuffie: "Mr. Wonderful"?

Cloud: (Looks around) "Best Years of our Lives"

Yuffie: (sighs) "Almost Paradise"

Cloud: (looks at Yuffie) "Wild Thing"?

Yuffie: "Bring Me to Life"

Cloud: "Catch Me if You Can" (jumps away)

Yuffie: "Come Back to Me"

Cloud: (points to Yuffie) "Complicated"

Yuffie: U2

Bzzzzzz

Sonux: That's a band.

Cloud: (sighs) "Days Go By"…

Cid: "Crazy for this Girl"?

Cloud: (shrugs) "Every Other Time"

Cid: (points at Cloud) "You Get What You Give"

Cloud: Um…. (throws his hands up in frustration)

Bzzzzzzz

Vincent: … "Do You Wanna Dance?"

Cid: "I Hate Everything About You"

Vincent: (pleads) "Just One Last Dance"

Cid: (nods) "Perfect"

(The two of them start slow dancing)

Vincent: "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing"

Cid: "Don't go Breaking My Heart"

Vincent: "As Long as You Love Me"

Cid: "Are You Happy Now?"

Bzzzzzzzzz

Sonux: That's enough! If I see any more of you two I'm gonna gorge my eyes out.

Cid: Got any hand soap?

Vincent: or breath mints?

Sonux: Sorry. Now for the best game we have here: Scenes From a Hat!!! As always, we have our audience write up ideas that they would like to see our performers act out. Akai and CD pick the best ones, and I get to read them out of this weird Cowboy hat. The first scene is… "Attack of the "

Yuffie: Giant midget!

Sonux: The ever present oxymoron.

Cid: Stawberries with teeth!

Cloud: KILLER REBIT!

Sonux: don't you mean Rabbit?

Cloud: yeah, that one!

Sonux: Next scene. Phrases that would surely get you in trouble in school.

Cid: -beeeep beep beep, beep beeeep, beeeep beeeep, beeeep beep-

Cloud: What did he say?

Sonux: next scene. Good news, and bad news.

Cid: Good news is the washing machine no longer makes noises, bad news is that it kinda….. "disappeared."

Yuffie: Good news is that the car isn't far from here, bad news is that you can't really tell that it's a car anymore.

Vincent: (takes yuffie on stage) Good news is that our marriage is perfect. Bad news, I'm in love with another man. (looks lovingly at Cid)

(Cid runs and hides IN the piano)

Cloud: I just crashed Cid's airship, but I just saved millions of Gil on my Bike insurance by switching to Shin'Ra.

Cid: (jumps out of piano attempting to strangle Cloud) WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SHIP?!!!!

Sonux: Okay I think we need to take a commercial break, because we really don't need any lawsuits for on-air murders.

(Commercial for Shin'Ra auto insurance. For current policies go to Shin'Ra.Inc. Note: airship policies are ineffective as of……..forever.)

backstage: Cid is currently still trying to strangle Cloud. Yuffie: STOP! HE'S TURNING BLUE! (Sonux walks up as Vincent follows.) Sonux: CID! (points to Vincent) Cid runs onstage and into the audience. He hides behind Shera while yelling Save Me in a high pitch voice.

Sonux: Well that was interesting……

Shera: Cid get back on stage or I'm not ever letting your fly my airship again.

Cid: (looks horrified) You Wouldn't!

Shera: (threatens with shotgun) Try me, Big Boy.

Cid: (hangs head)……okay.

Shera: (returns to cheery self) Okay! Have Fun!

(all audience members within a 10 foot radius of Shera cower in fear)

Sonux: well…let's mosey shall we. Our winner tonight is Yuffie. (Cloud holds applause sign upside down. Yuffie grabs sign and hits cloud over the head with it) The rest of us will be doing HOEDOWN, with Aeris on the piano. What I need from the audience is a profession that requires a uniform.

Overly excided fanboy: NURSE!!!!!!

Silence from everyone.

Moments later……

Cid: HELL NO!!!

Sonux: well if there aren't any other suggestions then I guess we have to go with it. So we'll do the nursing hoedown. Lets just get this over with……

Intro plays

Cloud: I think nurses are really really cute.

I like how they fill out that white suit.

They always tell me that there is nothing to fear.

But I always end up getting a needle in the rear.

Sonux: Everytime I visit, a nurse is always there.

Their always cheery, acting like they care.

They always say that they are there to help.

But when I walk by, all I hear is people yelp!

Vincent: When I go to the Doctor, everytime I'm there.

Nurses always want me in my underwear.

I don't why it happens I don't know what I did.

But I keep telling them that I'm in love with Cid!

Cid: Why does this always happen to me.

What can I do, to make you see.

Stop chasing me around every day.

I'm trying to tell you that I'M NOT GAY!

All: I'm Not Gay!

Sonux: Well, tune in next time for more random insanity! Peace! I'm out!

Authors notes:

ChaosDynasty: first off, I'm not as stupid as I appear in the disclaimer. I do honestly know what blackmail is. Very effective against Akai.

AkaiKamiRyu: We are still accepting ideas for future scenes. The more ideas we get in reviews or comments, the faster the chapters will come out.

Sonux: Review and get a cookie!...I'm hungry now.


End file.
